Last week I put my big girl panties on and put myself out there. I interviewed for a High School art position. Now let me just state here that I love my job, my school and most importantly my kids. BUT...the big but in this conversation is that in our county elementary teachers are not certified positions. We are paid hourly by the PTA. Which means there is a lot of unequality in the art education other students are receiving in the county because they can not afford an art teacher as many hours as my school does. Plus these sweet teachers are given little if any money to buy supplies for their programs. I've written and deleted twice now more on this but am going to stop here because it gets me really wound up let's just say. And let's just say I would like to be paid for the degree and certification in which I hold. Period. Give me that where I am and I would never leave. Like cremate me in the kiln and spread me around the grounds never leave. I love the school that much.
So anyhoo...back to the interview. I rocked it. Showed up with a vintage suitcase of art and a power point on lessons I'd implemented with kids at ASES, in my personal studio, adult classes in the studio, etc....It was almost 1.5 hours. I answered their questions. It was exhilarating. I felt like I had it in the BAG. And then yesterday I took the Family and Consumer Science test, which was super hard. Like whoa nelly none of this was in the study guide I spent $50 on! I left the test feeling super deflated. Went home, ran 3 stress miles, ate lunch with Tiffin and got in the studio for a spell. On a whim I decided to check my school email and there it was. Dear Mrs. Horne........you get the picture?
So I just sat back on my bed a sobbed. Not cried, sobbed. Because at that very moment in time I felt like a complete failure. They didn't pick me. It was a grief beyond grasping. In my head I thought, if I'm not good enough for that school then when am I ever going to be good enough for another school? Granted, it was my first interview in like 15 years....but still. When you love what you do, and are really good at what you do....rejection is not easy. I'd like to know what I didn't have to offer them. What was missing?
So it's been 24 hours. I'm in a funk. I'm just being honest. On top of it all......get this peeps....I'm on my 3rd bladder infection. Confirmed today. Which basically means for 6 weeks straight I've been sick (week sick, week on meds, week off, sick again, it's the cycle). Again. Just like last year. The meds aren't killing it. And I am in constant pain. Somethings got to give.
I'm off to walk the doggies and then paint. I think painting right now is my best therapy. Thanks for hanging with me, and reading this very lengthy depressing blog post. But it's my story to tell. You can skip a chapter or two if ya like, but I can't. I have to push through and trust that there is something out there bigger waiting. And that my health will not decline anymore but thrive!
I love you guys.....puffy hearts. J
I'm finding lately that my day dreams are not as angry as they used to be. I can remember many a runs where I'd play a scenario out in my head that happened to me personally in regards to a friendship issue or a husband issue or a work issue over and over until quite honestly I was just flat out angry. And then I'd come into the house and be all pissy and yelly at everyone. It was great. Not.
So I decided it was time to change that kind of daydreaming. Last year my health issues.... well, they scared the bejesus out of me. I was in constant pain, and yet carried about my day like nothing was ever wrong. My family ignored it because it had become the norm. And they were over it. I'd cut off so many friends because honestly the last thing I wanted to do was be around healthy, happy, and thriving people. So what did I do to climb out of the hole? I decided to make some serious changes. Here are a few in case you too are in the hole. Because the hole sucks. The hole makes you feel worthless. The hole makes you want to disappear. The hole makes you go places in your head you still ask God forgiveness for.
So here ya go:
1. I bought a devotional book and every morning start my day off in quiet reflection (coffee and at least one puppy accompany this time). These powerful uplifting words are giving me the hope and strength to overcome my personal struggles with being enough, having enough and receiving enough.
2. I sought out therapy and came to the self-realization that a lot of the inner-personal issues are not in how others perceive me but actually how I see myself. I'm in constant battle with what I put out into the world and feeling like I need to over compensate. I have very high unrealistic expectations of myself. And unfortunately expect the same for everyone around me. Which kinda sets everyone, including myself up for failures. What I now know is that failures are a an integral part of growth. (You'd think I'd be 8ft tall with all this growing but alas I stay 5'4".) I now graciously accept help, ask for forgiveness and release myself of guilt. Worry is no longer my friend.
3. Started running with music or book on tape and don't let myself daydream. Unless it's about something cool, like what I would do if I won the lottery. Or how I'm going to answer interview questions.
4. I started nurturing new friendships and decided some are worth getting rid of and others are worth seeking out again.
5. I decided that being an art teacher wasn't just a job, but a lifeline that I needed. Desired. And therefore have actively pursued a full-time position (you follow me on instgram? then you know big girl panty stuff has been going on.)
6. Last I've totally altered my diet. I still have an occasional binge cream filled doughnut from Dunkin 'Doughnuts ehhem...last night, but as a general rule our house is eating very clean and whole. Billy and I crave it now. We are sleeping better and I see him happier. It's amazing what happens when you take gluten and white sugar out of your diet what it does to clear the mind. Not to mention our waistlines. (of course Billy has shed like 20 pounds, me none.....but my clothes fit different)
Thanks so much for sharing in my journey....
I kinda wish they'd make it in an adult size. Why don't they think we adult size people wouldn't want this? Instead they have junk like CALI, Fun in the sun, catching rays. I often wonder why trends go the way they do. So Old Navy if you are listening, would you mind making this in a ladies cut? Pretty please??
In other news....I've been studying hard for my Family and Consumer Science exam on Monday. I'll then be dual certified in K-12 art education and Family and Consumer Science. I'm wizzing through the nutrition, food lodging, family stuff, interior design, textiles and apparel sections. The consumer management section is kicking my artsy brain though. I can budget like no bodies business, but investments, stocks, bonds....what in the world? I wish I WAS better in those sections. We'd be richer for sure. Anyhoo...I just keep studying my cards and taking practice tests. And pray I PASS because there are openings in 2 high schools for the positions. That'd be so cool. Then I could teach high school kids how to take kid size tees and turn them into wearable and functioning art! BAM!
So...you guys getting ready for Easter. I can't wait to share what we are doing with friends this year. Definitely Pinterest worthy! haha
In my 30 years of visiting here I've never seen a starfish! Isn't he cool? We threw him back.....there was also a slew of sand dollars and gorgeous shells.
Holy cheesecracker...I've got 2 teenagers! Love them. A lot. We ate and ate and ate the entire trip. Billy likes to eat out all meals on vacation. I don't mind that. The cabin also has amazing cable TV. Funny, I do not remember that as a child. There were like 20 movie channels. So we caught up on a lot of movies! I also ran 4 days in a row!! 4 days!!! Billy got up with me everyday and we ran together. That was kinda sweet.
Oh, and Mailey picked up like 20 jellyfish off the beach. She's such a weirdo. And then she brought them home with us. They are currently living in a Rubbermaid on my kitchen counter. Awesome right?
For now I'll just hold onto the memories. And hope to make more next year.
Tiffin and I are thrilled to announce our 3rd Southern Circle Retreat dates!! And already we have 2 confirmed coming. WOWSA! If you are interested in joining us please check out the updated website: www.southerncircleretreats.com
Yep. It's Spring Break. When my Portland classes petered out me I decided instead we'd all pile up and hit the coast. We are looking forward to time away as a family. No doggies to tend, no screaming cats to feed milk, no yard to cut, no stuff to feel like I HAVE to do or pick up. Just chill. It's not supposed to be the best of weather. Honestly, I don't care. I just want to be away. With the ones I love the most right next to me for 5 days straight. I secretly packed up a bunch of board games and bought a puzzle. We always did puzzles on our beach trips growing up. I figured it be a great way to pass the time. While it rains that is......
The summer schedule is set! I am super excited to be offering all my classes this year in my home art studio (when I've told kids this at school they've been all ooooo......ahhhhhh). Space is limited, so if you are interested, please email me at email@example.com for your space. If you have any additional questions, feel free to ask! Each 10-3 session will be packed with art making. The focus for each day has a unique theme with the projects based on this theme. I look forward to having your children in my studio! Oh, and please notice the ages for each workshop. The Tween Girl camp is for girls only ages 10-16. The Young Masters camp is for boys AND girls entering 1st-5th grade. And I can only host 12 per class.